Lately it has been very apparent that I have definitely missed out on a lot in life. During the years that I should have been in college, dating, getting ahead in life, nurturing my kids, I was using. And using. Intermittent periods of personal growth otherwise known as "rehab"were almost just a form of harm reduction. HA.
Sometimes I feel like I am a fool to think I am doing ok. Really when I look at other people who seem to have it together....I fall soooo short. We've only got one life, right? Is mine really half over? I pissed on the first half and now it just seems like a really long clean-up. A really long clean-up.
I made my bed and I am a believer in cleaning up my own mess, but damn I feel so stuck. The circumstances I have created are suffocating me and it will be a long time before I am free.
I used to use over this kind of thing. The yucky past would be right there biting me in the ass and I would exercise my big ol "fuck-it" muscle and get high. The stakes are so high if I were to use again. I am not willing to go there. I can't say I haven't thought about it. I did today actually, my roommate left town. Immediately after the thought I saw my son's beautiful face, and I am not willing to lose that precious little guy. And tonight - be damned if there wasn't a message from my daughter saying hi and she loves me. Pretty awesome that through the years of being an ongoing disappointment, there are two angels on my side. I'm a very lucky girl indeed. While I am catching up on the game of life I guess I can be ok because I did something very right.
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Whenever you think you're not doing well, just remind yourself that at least you know well enough to at least TRY. Many people don't even get that far. I can guarantee your kids are very proud of you for at least making an effort, and a great one at that. Keep it up! You can do it; I have faith in you too.
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i am a friend of jimmy k. keep blogging davido850.blogspot.com
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