Beginning of Expressing the Garbage that haunts me

These days life seems pretty good. And yet there are times where the memories that I try so hard to forget come flooding back like some sort of yuck spewing forth from a dark place. I am brought back to my knees with my nightmares, when I look at past photos, when I realize the irreparable damage I have caused myself and my family. Yes life gets better when one cleans up, but the memory of all the horrors that go along with addiction are still there.
Twenty year reunion held recently in my home town. I could not go. "So Melissa what have you been doing the last twenty years?"
"Well Dan, I have been a heavy IV cocaine addict fighting for my life and recovery. Many failed attempts and at age 38 I have finally strung together a year without sticking a needle in my arm. How is the law practise coming along?"
One instant can take me back instantly to feeling like a giant crazed piece of shit. Like when I look at pictures of the crucial teenage years of my daughter's life that she endured while I was fucked up. I really did try to juggle all the balls of being a single mother,a full time health care worker, and a good friend. I can see how selfish I was. When life got shitty for me I allowed myself to think I was special enough to check right out of the responsibilities of life. Yes I had pain, and I presented myself and my pain upon the people that cared and needed me. I didn't " get that" then as I was too sick to see past today. Today I had to get high. There was no tomorrow.
My last nightmare was the night before last and I was going to shoot up and for some reason I had a woman there pumping for my vein. Instead the vein itself became exposed bulging deep red and I stuck the needle in. The next thing I remember is being in the hospital because I had cut my arm multiple times from my elbow to my hand and I wanted to leave, but alas the powers that were thought I should be forced to take psychotropic meds. I awoke that morning feeling like I was still deep in the depths of addiction although I haven't put a needle in my arm for fifteen months.