BAHHHHH!

I have a great kid here with me and why is that not enough for me to not feel like a complete failure and that maybe death would be a relief? I  just get really tired, you know? I I I mememememe. Yes I guess you could say that I am thinking mainly of my one self these days.
Money is not important-my ass!!!!! When the bill collectors have had enough of waiting for me to pay up- money is everything. I live in fear. How is this any different than me being in my addiction? At least then there were escapes and it seemed easier just knowing that I was a piece of shit that couldn't' get her life together. I was so busy hiding ducking recovering getting high mending fences that I didn't expect any better. Now I am trying to live right , pay my debts and be ok, just ok. One road block after another and it seems that I am going backwards. This depression has no release. Just grey dark grey and black. God bless prozac because I get a glimpse of pink for a moment or two while reality is not registering in my medicated brain.
I did not intend to be such a negative blogger. I think this drives people away and this is evident in my life. No one wants to hear a whiner. Really. I fucking hate being one; hate this out of control feeling that my life is being controlled by my back injury and my past mistakes dictating my future. Worst of all is that feeling that I just have never been able to shake. Fundamentally flawed. Grandiosity? Maybe but I feel that way.
All I can say is I haven't put a needle in my arm. I haven't picked up a drink.  So that's good. BAHHH. "This too shall pass" they say. Up or down say I.